It has been a while. I spent most of the last year in a spiral of depression. A year in bed will do that to a girl, I guess.

I have found a bit of purpose through papercrafting. It gives me a bit of my self worth back to create something. Hoping to do a jail/nursing home/possibly St. Jude card ministry when I am healthier. I know how creating something gives me a boost to my self esteem, and it would probably give those in jail, nursing homes or hospital the same boost. It would also be a blessing to their loved ones to receive a hand crafted card :). Something to dream about.

I would like to say you can have the STRONGEST support team (and I do, my husband and BFF Chrissy) and still be depressed. Depression is no joke. It doesn't make sense to me, I was always an extrovert, and able to block pain so I could continue to work even with Lupus. For my brain to not do what I tell it to now is unthinkable! But, it is true. I am depressed, and can NOT control it or turn it off. I keep telling myself that even though all these bad things happened, there are people in much worse shape sleeping under bridges. I have blankets to snuggle with, dogs to entertain me, a laptop to stay in touch with the world, a phone if I need help, a fan if I am hot....you get where I am going. So, all things considered I am quite blessed. Yet, the depression breaks through all of this, and that alone makes me feel so weak.

My goodness, someone is in a FUNK!!

Sigh. I hit the anniversary of that jerk taking my legs, income, freedom, etc from me and hit a wall. Not living so graciously in my houseshoes at the moment! I was working my way through a lent book, and able to go to church and a Stampin Up class, thanks to some very helpful and understanding people, and then someone betrayed my trust and I crashed. It is as if the losses of the past year came crashing down at that moment.

I find solace in makeup :) Making my face pretty makes me feel better. Everyone has something that does, and makeup is it for me. But, here I sit, fully made up, and just want to wash it all off and sleep to block out the pain.

Whine, whine, whine. This isn't like me....I normally bounce back from everything. Heart attack? No problem. Lupus? Okay. But it feels like I am in a huge undertow being hit by wave after wave, soon to sink. I am ready for GOOD news! I've been stuck in bed over a year now, hopefully they will have to fix my back soon. It is inhumane to be forcibly stuck like this when there is a simple surgery that will fix it and allow me to go on with my life. All I did was go to work, I was just standing there when I was struck down. No fair! :)

I will hopefully post a pic of some adorable shoes tomorrow I got that can be dressed up, down, spring, summer...love them. It is hard to find shoes that aren't heels that I can feel good about, but I was able to :)

Lastly, if you still have your legs, the ability to simply walk to the bathroom without too much pain, cherish it. You have NO IDEA what a luxury something that simple is until it is taken from you. Blessings and love to you all :)

Life moves on, I'm stuck in the past

They are doing the weight loss challenge at work again. The last time, my husband won it. Nice prizes too....but the BEST thing to happen was for us to discover a love for Disc Golf. Frisbee Golf. A love strong enough to get this girlie-girl out of her shoes, into hiking boots. To wear minimal makeup and a visor. To get dirty :).  My brother, husband and I would go EVERY morning, it was hard staying awake after working all night but as soon as the sun was up I would wake my husband and off we would go! Such beauty in the woods. It was FUN. It kept me in shape. It was a fun activity my husband and I could do together that was good for us.

Now, I sit. All day, every day. I don't even sit really. I have to recline, changing my position or I am in terrible pain. I went from running around the room at work, full life to nothing in the blink of an eye. Instead of my boss and employer apologizing, horrified, and taking care of me..they attack me. Refuse to fix me. Leave me like this, in pain and crippled when one simple surgery would give me my life back. That should be criminal, and may they all rot in hell.

With the contest, everyone will be active and golfing. Wonderful weather, fun. I pass one of the courses on the way to my doctor and it is like being punched in the gut. I will have to encourage my husband to go with the others, it will be good for him. He stopped going when I got hurt because it isn't fair but MAN will it hurt to hear the front door shut.

Enjoy every minute. You never know when your life will change in an instant. In a blink. You never know when someone will change your life for you. Don't ever depend on others to do the right thing. Count on G-d, yourself, and your lawyer.

Will try to end this with a happy pic or two....

I girlie-d up one of my discs :)

The dogs loved it too :) Trouble had such fun!

Me. The girlie girl who put makeup on while having a heart attack before calling an ambulance...no makeup having a *blast*!!

Sigh. Got to wear these ONCE before he hurt me :(

Primping, and Pajamas :)

I suppose if I *must* be in bed all day I can at least look good while doing it. The first 6 months or so of my confinement, I would always make sure that my face was made up before my hubby came home. I used to play with makeup (which I LOVE and am OBSESSED with) to keep myself entertained. I am not sure when that stopped. My hubby did say he was sick of seeing me staring at myself in a mirror all the time but really, it was keeping me entertained and giving my devastated ego a slight bump to at least look nice. I think all of this dropped off as Dad got sick and eventually died. It is time to start primping again. Fresh bedclothes. Fluffed pillows. Lavender pillow spray. A long, scented bath (with my Yorkie, want him to be fresh as well). Put the doggies in THEIR PJ's...fresh PJ's for myself, and last but NOT least, MAKEUP :). This is a HUGE undertaking for someone with lupus, almost impossible for someone with lupus and 5 ruptured discs, but necessary for my sanity. I am simply NOT happy unless I am well put together. I get more done, have more self worth, and feel like "me".

The journey from heels to houseshoes continues. Finding ways to keep myself entertained, and finding my own self worth in new ways.

I hope you all have a BEAUTIFUL day, stay gorgeous!

From Casino to Couch........

I used to dress with extra flair on the weekends as my job as a Casino Supervisor. It is entertainment, after all :) And, I found if you are wearing a very nice suit and have your hair and makeup done you seem to get more respect. I took all the help I could get when dealing with drunks, people who had lost fortunes, the public in general. It helped relations with those I supervised as well. It was a high stress environment for the dealers, they took all of the heat. They deal to 1000 personalities at varying levels of alcohol or drug intoxication every night. Also, they dealt to habitual gamblers who are very testy, and last but not least, cheats.
Now, on a Friday my reality isn't bouncing around the room in Brooks Brother's and Manolo Blahniks. It is pj's sometimes matching, sometimes not. BB cream, gloss, and my houseshoes. I hope to someday rejoin the ranks of the working. For now, unable to walk normally and in constant pain thanks to my former boss, it isn't looking promising and I must learn other ways to give myself a feeling of self worth. What I do still has value, cooking for my husband and homemaking, however it is a different type of work with a MUCH different atmosphere and compensation rate. I need to find ways to stimulate my mind besides YouTube and Netflix. I have started journaling, and am currently working on my first Wreck This Journal. It is keeping me entertained, and nothing has for some time.

Former boss is still able to hurt me

I would like to thank my former boss that fell on me and destroyed my back. He is the reason my husband won't have dinner tonight, because I hurt too bad to get out of bed and cook.
I would like to thank my former employers for fighting my work comp claim, and denying me medical treatment. As a result, I have been in crippling pain and basically unable to walk normally or function for almost a year now. This should be against the law, it is torture, physical and mental torture.
I *want* to have an amazing meal on the table when he gets home, but I really don't know if I can. I don't want to disappoint him. And, since I am not able to work, this is my job now- housewife. Here's to hoping I can find a way to clock in, put on my uniform (apron) and get to work!

Easy, Deicious, Cheap, Nutritious!

Homemade Vegetable Soup. What could be better? I used canned green beans and didn't have peas but this was still easy enough for me to do with a bad back and lupus, and budget friendly. I used two potatoes, and cut up baby carrots. Was yummy :)

http://www.sugardishme.com/2013/08/15/homemade-fresh-vegetable-soup/