1 Kidney Stone Down 2 To Go!

Finally passed one. The generic Azo from Dollar General is *NOT* as concentrated as AZO max strength. If I find a dupe on anything I gladly use the cheaper alternative. Wish this was the same but it just isn't. It is a shame, because the DG version is $2 and the name brand is $9.

It is freezing in Mississippi! Husband had to take two days off this week due to the ice but he got some things done.

I placed an order on Amazon for my *FIRST* Spellbinders! Can't recall the name it is elegant majestic something has ovals and rectangles so seemed to give me two shapes for one price. Also HAD to get a bear, Mr. Snugglez from CottageCutz.

Hope this finds all of you warm and happy!

Kidney stone #70, 71 & 72!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ouch!

Sigh. Passed stone #70 tonight. I suppose it was a milestone of sorts (get it? stone? har, har, har!) although I wish I hadn't reached that particular one! It sucks because I can't go to the ER and get pumped full of drugs like normal people because I have no veins. The last time they stuck me 30 times even missing an IJ in my neck. Finally a central line and that was AWFUL. Enough to convince me to just stay at home with a heating pad and prayer. Ocean Spray makes a cran grape that is 100% juice and that is always helpful. Apparently the cranberries numb some of the pain (it is true) and it helps flush the boogers out. Azo for UTI's is a great help, as are ANY pain meds you can keep down. The trick to passing stones at home is keeping pain meds down, once they move you get sick. Stay ahead of the nausea and you are golden, unless they get stuck or tear something on the way out which is not pleasant. I suppose I am typing all of this in case someone doesn't have insurance and needs help. Ginger tea or ginger candy/chews found at the health food store is great for nausea.Beer is excellent, but I can't drink it. Last year in desperation I drank angry orchard hard cider and bounced on the edge of my bed like my doctor said and I passed 4 at once (see photo below!). I have two more stones to go, wish me luck and prayers would be appreciated. This on top of ruptured discs, lupus, heart disease, fibro....ugh. It all sucks!

Valentine's Day Card :)

My son wanted me to "wow" his girlfriend. Mission accepted! Days of hand dying and cutting roses, watercoloring, gluing microscopic seed pearls down, etc. I didn't get very good pictures (I was too tired) but here is the end result.

I didn't have much direction, and didn't include a picture of the back and it was my favorite part. Blame it on the kidney stones, it is hard to think while I have those! She loved it :)

"The Secret"/G*d is ALWAYS on time, I had forgotten that. He reminded me :)

I love books. All books, about any subject. If I didn't have a book I would read boxes in the pantry. Somehow, along the way I stopped reading these past two years. What a shame. Years ago, I purchased the book "The Secret". I was working 16 hour days with a 40 minute one way commute. I thought it would bolster me to know a secret. I didn't have time to read it.

I found the book tonight looking for something else. The first paragraph reads as follows:
  A year ago, my life had collapsed around me. I'd worked myself into exhaustion, my father died suddenly, and my relationships with my work colleagues and loved ones were in turmoil.

This parallels my life exactly! Every sentence. The only thing that was left out was lupus, heart disease, 5 ruptured discs due to a work injury, and being fired for filing a work comp claim. It goes on to say "Little did I know at the time, out of my greatest despair was to come the greatest gift".

Now I hear angels singing and a smile in my heart. A tiny flutter of joy- could that be hope??? After two years? Yes I am going to have to put off my Black History and Lithuania studies for a week while I digest this book, but I believe there are no coincidences. I believe G*d is always on time. This seems to tie in to my status yesterday about being a rubber band and being stretched. Oh I hope so! I am ready to get Julie back!

At random outside a Little Rock hospital I stopped, I hurt and needed to rest a second. I looked down, and this is what I saw. How many times does G*d have to bonk me on my head??? I suppose because I haven't had the easiest of lives (money does NOT equal happiness) I like control in all things. Also, when I broke into my industry there were NO female supervisors, so I had to exert control and fight. I had parents who, although well intentioned, were controlling. Had to fight for independence on that front. So, I have a hard time handing over the ropes and letting go and letting G*d.

After a long two years, I have a spark of hope :) I have noticed I have visitors on my little blog, and knowing I am being heard is SO therapeutic! It warms my heart after so many let downs that someone would take the time to read. I am journaling, and hope to use all of this to help others someday. Thank you and may G*d richly bless you for taking time to read my blog. Eventually as more read I will be doing a little give away, of a few books that helped me, handcrafted bookmarks, stationary sets, makeup, fun things that make me happy and hope it will others.

Goodnight. Tomorrow is another day, and I am actually LOOKING FORWARD to it! That doesn't happen often, unless it is a day with my BFF which are few and far between.

Finding worth while bedridden

G-d knew that in order to get me from where I am to who he wants me to be, would require a lot of learning and stretching–sometimes VERY painful stretching. And he knew that bringing me together with many of you who have strengths where I am weak, would do just that. You all know who you are, too many to list but I would be remiss if I didn't list my bff Chrissy Joy Dodd :) still stretching, but she makes sure the rubber band that is me doesn't snap :) my gosh it can't be easy to be my friend I am always sick, always have issues, but she doesn't stop loving.

I am no longer going to be a vegetable. I can contribute to society in a positive way, even from bed. I can cut the parts to my cards I want to take to the jail, plan them out and put them in baggies so they are ready to go when I get healthy. I *REALLY* want to do a jail/nursing home/long term care ministry. I see how a bit of my self worth is restored when I am able to make a card, and I want to share that.

 I am also going to learn about a different country each month, and viewing Veronica's blog led me to want to learn about Black History and civil rights. When I lay here just watching youtube or going to the Daily Mail day after day, the devil is winning. My old abusive boss is winning. It is time that I won. I just need to realize I am worth fighting myself for. I didn't survive 3 heart attacks, and sepsis with my organs starting to shut down to lay in bed and veg out day after day. I have worth, even here.

It has been a while. I spent most of the last year in a spiral of depression. A year in bed will do that to a girl, I guess.

I have found a bit of purpose through papercrafting. It gives me a bit of my self worth back to create something. Hoping to do a jail/nursing home/possibly St. Jude card ministry when I am healthier. I know how creating something gives me a boost to my self esteem, and it would probably give those in jail, nursing homes or hospital the same boost. It would also be a blessing to their loved ones to receive a hand crafted card :). Something to dream about.

I would like to say you can have the STRONGEST support team (and I do, my husband and BFF Chrissy) and still be depressed. Depression is no joke. It doesn't make sense to me, I was always an extrovert, and able to block pain so I could continue to work even with Lupus. For my brain to not do what I tell it to now is unthinkable! But, it is true. I am depressed, and can NOT control it or turn it off. I keep telling myself that even though all these bad things happened, there are people in much worse shape sleeping under bridges. I have blankets to snuggle with, dogs to entertain me, a laptop to stay in touch with the world, a phone if I need help, a fan if I am hot....you get where I am going. So, all things considered I am quite blessed. Yet, the depression breaks through all of this, and that alone makes me feel so weak.